A new start

I Quit...

I quit my thesis project

I quit trying to deal with my thesis advisor

I quit this country

I quit teaching people who don't want to learn

I quit long-distance relationships (but I don't quit Dave)

Thesis Project

I've been working on this family of proteins longer than anyone in my group has worked on a set of proteins. I know that in some ways my family is more challenging, since I have bigger ligands and since they bind lipids, not polar molecules (we use the hydrophobicity of our helices to orient them, but my entire protein is sort of hydrophobic so that does me no good). But, I'm a senior graduate student - I should have been able to get this project done a long time ago (yes, I know most of grad school was a string of extenuating circumstances what with all the death and disease and comas), but I used to be really smart. Not just above average smart, but really, really smart. Now, I don't know when or if I'm ever going to finish my thesis because I seem to suck at research and if I do finish it, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a piece of crap.

I really shouldn't be posting this - I've sent off two applications for post-doc positions. The last thing I need is for potential advisors to google me and find this rant about myself or the one below about advisors. But, if I don't finish the thesis, I'm definitely not going to be able to do a post-doc, so it doesn't matter :-P

My Advisor

I sent him an e-mail with a detailed list of questions about my project and my thesis. This detailed message was sent because he didn't reply to my last e-mail with questions. Have I gotten a response yet to either of the e-mails? No. I can't really do any work on my thesis until I hear from him (and from someone else in the group).

Now, I don't know whether this situation (about to be described) is my fault or my supervisors' fault. But I spent a huge chunk of time trying to dock my ligands without the extracellular loops on the proteins. Despite my intuition that the extracellular loops had to be involved in the binding of my ligands. But my supervisors kept telling me that trying to dock with loops was a waste of time. I should have just done it behind their back. Although I did try that and when I brought preliminary results to them, they told me to push it aside and work on what they thought was more immediate. I guess I should have stood up for myself better. Because, now, many people in the group are questioning whether we should be docking with loops or not. Usually when someone in our subgroup posts a general question, my advisor responds to it. This time, when someone posted a question/concern about docking without loops, I replied and one other grad student replied. Did my advisor pipe up and give us his opinion? No. I know he's got a conference this week, and that he's a very busy man. But I need his help and his input, and it's just not there.

This Country

I don't want to go into a long political rant on this blog, because I don't really have the energy for the discussion that might ensue. But, it physically pains me to listen to NPR in the mornings, so I don't think I can avoid the rant any longer. Not that I dislike NPR, but the opinions of some of my fellow citizens send me into a tizzy. Do I think the government has a responsibility to fight terrorism? Sure. Should they do whatever they think is necessary willy-nilly? No. Our government was set-up under the assumption that checks and balances are necessary. Hence that whole trifecta of governing bodies. Yet, there are Americans who think that warrantless wire-taps are just A-OK. Eh, who the hell needs the judiciary body anyways, right? They don't do anything whatsoever, right? Politics, government, legal issues: All not really my cup of tea. But when some people go around saying that our country is great and tout their patriotism and then reject some of the fundamental tenets of our government - the very things that make this country great in my mind - I just can't help but get riled up.

And then there's this whole issue about a Christian being tried for converting from Islam. A potential penalty is the execution. I agree whole heartedly with the idea of freedom of religious expression. But there are people in this country and in our government who are outraged by this trial in Afghanistan but think that it's a great idea for our government to regulate that marriage is only between one man and one woman. And the argument for this legislation is sometimes (often?) religious in nature. So who/what someone worships shouldn't be subject to regulation, but who someone shares their life with should be? I don't know that my logic is very clear here. Maybe I'll be able to explain it better later.

The last two points above are more self-explanatory. Unfortunately I haven't found a way to quit the long-distance relationship without quitting Dave, so I guess I'm an indentured servant to long distance relationships for the time being.

Now I'm going to quit my bad mood :)

In the long list of Rudds recently engaged or married, Dave and I are tying the knot. No idea when the wedding might be; earliest will be spring 2007, we imagine.

Maybe one of these days I'll write a real post that takes some mental effort.

A huge congrats to Peter - His research made the headline story of nature news today.

Here's the article on Red Herring